How I survived…
Help us to help others.

I love my Family – can’t imagine wanting to do anything that I know would hurt them .
And yet…. There was a time in my life , when my despair and hopelessness was so overwhelming ,that I thought daily of how I might kill myself .

At my worst , I would think that they would get over it , that they were better off without me, that my life was worthless .

They knew that I was depressed – had been for months and months .
Despite them reaching out , trying to help , I just could’nt express how bad my state of mind was , and did everything I could to hide it .
The depression convinced me that neither they or anyone else could help.

Nothing was rational , everything was a set of mind numbingly awful emotions.
If I started to think just how shattered they would be, I would resort to thinking that I could plan things to look like an accident .
That would be better – somehow.

The fact that I could’nt explain it made me feel even worse.
Pressures of day to day life , loss of relationships, work , financial insecurity , bullying- the list of causes are myriad.

The mask you put up is so that you won’t dissolve into tears , fall apart , reveal how incredibly awful and hopeless you feel .
You feel as if you’ll somehow shatter ; you can’t think straight , concentrate, do all those things you used to with ease .
It sucks up a lot of energy, but somehow Depression works like that .
It’s not always a conscious decision to try and hide your state of mind , but it is very ,very common.

That mask – that “compartmentalising “of your life , is often so so impenetrable , that loved ones , friends , co workers and collegues don’t really see that you are suicidal.
And that, I’m afraid, is exactly what the Depression tells you to do .
Don’t let them know.
So you often stop seeing friends , family ,make every effort to hide away ,disolve into a mess in secret , and try all sorts of things to feel better , to beat the depression

Still, the feeling that there is no other way out can be relentless ,and for some poor souls overwhelming .

I eventually got help through Counselling and Medication – the thoughts went away , and I became “me “again .

What I now know, is that suicidal thoughts can take over your whole existence . To become yourself again, and function, you need to reach out , or just accept help when offered.

Because what I also now know, is that Families who have a loved one take their life , NEVER get over it.
Friends, co workers , aquaintances – all are damaged and traumatised by these losses.

Those left behind – wives, husbands , sons and daughters describe the loss as devastating .
Like a bomb had gone off in their midst .
Carnage.
They blame themselves for not being able to help , or see how desperate their loved one was feeling.
Their every waking minute is spent going over and over every conversation , every silence , every cross word and emotional blow up.
For years.
They describe an ache that never leaves , a hole in their very being – the most awful of losses.
Guilt, bewilderment , anger, profound sadness- all those emotions are now in every moment of their lives .
Sometimes it tears the family apart, and they live the rest of their lives “just existing “.

And even more tragically, we know that they themselves now have an increased likelihood of death by suicide.

Reach out if you are reading this and thinking of leaving your loved ones – because if you don’t , your life might not be the only one lost.

And if you are reading this , and have lost a loved one , please forgive yourself and try to understand that depression , and suicidal thoughts are like a cancer .

Some people lose their life to the suicidal illness – and we should all work that much harder to reduce the number to zero in their memory.